“Do you know when I first started this course and saw all the stuff you were bringing in, I thought what a load of crap! But now I think everyone should do this Programme, they should have no choice and all parents should do it before their children are born. I know many of my friends and family who should do it. It really makes you think”- father in Holme House Prison 2010 after attending a Nurturing Programme parent group in the prison
The riots already seem a long time ago – part of a summer of global financial crises, phone hacking scandals and weather to match. So many words spoken and yet so little understood. Can anything more usefully be said?The London School of Economics and the Guardian, together with the Joseph Rowntree Foundation have launched a project “Reading the Riots” which aims to untangle the causes and measure the effects of the riots. We might be wise to wait until they report.
Some facts are emerging which might start to clear the very muddy waters, and to support a cautious stance. According to the Ministry of Justice, a quarter of those convicted of offences had over 10 previous offences. Three quarters had at least one caution or conviction and those with a criminal record had an average of 15 offences. Half of those appearing before the courts up to 15 September were under 20 years of age; over half of those under 18, of whom there were 364, had previous convictions.These figures tell us that the riots were a chance for those who regularly offend to offend again.They also show a very small cohort on which to base a huge number of generalisations.
One major focus of public concern was the role of the parents in the lives of the young people in question.This concern ranged from a measured reflection on how parents, particularly those working long hours and on a low income, might struggle in the long summer holidays to keep their teenagers entertained, to blunt condemnation and even vilification.This anxiety about parenting is not new – the Jamie Bulger case nearly 20 years ago prompted similar responses. While it is not reasonable at all to draw conclusions on the basis of scant evidence in particular cases, the reason parenting is raised in these circumstances is because we know that the quality of parenting impacts on a child’s emotional, physical, mental and social development.
We know, and brain science now backs it up with more and more evidence, that a baby needs a secure attachment to a primary care giver from birth (a baby needs his or her mum!) We know that babies, toddlers, children and teenagers need boundaries and support and discipline and love. We know that they need consistency, they need attention, and they need empathy in order to develop empathy for others.In other words adults and children need to be good at relationship skills.
As a health visitor for many years, visiting families in poverty on the council estates of Oxford, I know that many babies, toddlers, children and teenagers don’t get these basics of parental support. Every day, babies are neglected, toddlers are beaten, children are shouted at, teenagers are abandoned. Not all these children go on to lead criminal lives. Not all are frightening, or hooded, or violent. But many are unhappy, or unstable, or develop addictions, or have a baby themselves at a very young age.
I don’t suppose that these unhappy families are a new phenomenon, just as the riots are not a new phenomenon.After all, the London Mob, like its Paris equivalent, has played a role throughout history. Similarly, the cries of condemnation or of despair with family failings echo down the ages.
What I do know, from my experience of talking to families, are two key facts which together offer a source of great hope for the future - most parents want the best for their child and most parents can be helped to do better for their child.
The saddest aspect of my time as a health visitor was seeing how the good intentions of the new parent can often end up in frustration, despair and even harm to the child. This was the case with families of many different backgrounds - parenting problems are no respecters of social class or income levels.The key is to harness the initial good intentions through appropriate support and encouragement, so that the intentions are in fact realised. This is not about instruction or condemnation, as I quickly learned. Telling parents what to do rarely resulted in more successful parenting. Instead long term change is achieved by addressing what causes the feelings of distress, anger, frustration and pain that lead to anti-social behaviour.
The key was to build the confidence of the parent to believe that they could become a good parent. This is often hard for a parent who was unloved or harshly treated as a child themselves, or who was abused or neglected by their own parents. It is also about the parent reflecting upon how their own behaviour impacts upon their child. I vividly remember one parent who arrived in a rage at the Week 3 session of a 10 week Nurturing Programme parenting group. Her son had smashed the microwave plate. After giving her a cup of tea, some sympathy and calming her down, the group leader enquired “How do you think your son was feeling when he smashed the plate?” “Well he was angry with me, wasn’t he?”“Ah yes – and what had happened to make him feel angry?”Pause and then she replied “He’d just found out I’d eaten his chocolate”. She had a light bulb moment and went on to make huge changes for the better in her family.
The challenge is that it takes huge skill on the part of the professional working with families to enable parents to have these light bulb moments. Parents with fragile confidence, and unnurtured childhoods, who know deep down that they are struggling with their child, and fear either that things will get worse, or that their child will be taken away, will not seek help from anyone whom they perceive as threatening.And once trust is built, and the parent comes through the door for the first time, the ongoing relationship has to be based on working with the parent, not doing things to the parent.
Professionals themselves can feel vulnerable working with these difficult families, who might be initially hostile and defensive. They may hide behind process to create a safe space. Or they may become cynical as the families prove resistant to what seems to be sensible advice. It takes skilful training to give the professionals the confidence to work with the parents in an authoritative, supportive way. Family Links has been training parent group leaders for 15 years. A recent independent evaluation of our training showed that 80% of those trained gave us 10 out of 10 for the quality of our training (the average was 9.7), and 100% of the 247 trainees found the training made them more confident working with parents.
Similarly teachers working with these angry teenagers need training to become confident in helping them manage their feelings and behaviour.These young people need to learn to build relationships that equip them to become good enough parents in due course, even in their own parents have been unable to provide a suitable model of good parenting.
The evidence –base for impact of parenting programmes is now well established. High quality clinical trials of manualised programmes have achieved significant improvements for the families in the trial. The difficulty is ensuring that when these programmes are rolled out across the population, they achieve the same or similar impact as in clinical conditions. The next big area for research must be around finding out how this can happen – what combination of training, supervision, and programme materials makes widescale replication successful.
It is hard enough to get parents to walk through the door – it takes skill to keep them coming back each week. As one parent told researchers[i] about the Family Links-professionals working with her:
“They were so supportive…they didn’t criticise; supported me instead of saying “no this is how you’ve got to be a parent” she really listened”
At every point at which professionals come into contact with parents or children, they need to be confident enough to model trusting and respectful relationships which are the bedrock of a healthy society. This requires high quality sustained training and support.
[i] From “Understanding parenting programmes: parents’ views” Dr J Barlow, Health Services research Unit, University of Oxford.
