Discipline and Parenting
What is the greatest thing a parent can give to a child? A sense of love and security? Yes, certainly. But, just as important (and markedly less popular in today’s world) is discipline. The D-word has become a bad word; it has been misunderstood, misaligned and marginalised. People no longer like to talk about discipline. The focus in parenting today is on freedom and discovery instead. This has led to a crisis – a crisis for parents and a crisis for young people. The recent riots illustrate that the crisis is no longer contained. Something must be done. This is the discipline challenge of our age.
What does it mean to discipline your child in today’s world? Well, it doesn’t mean beating the life out of them, or using fear and control to get your own way. To discipline means to come alongside, to correct someone’s behaviour; it means, in effect, to disciple them. To be disciplined means that you are no longer the centre of the universe. You have to let go of what you want and cede your own desires, so that you can learn to prioritise somebody else’s needs. This should happen in any well-functioning family. Discipline and altruism are the basis of any civilised society; yet our public discourse today shuns discipline as old-fashioned and anti-personal freedom.
The greatest barrier to discipline in contemporary society is Western culture – which is all about me, me, me, me, me. Young people do not learn to cede their desires, they learn instead to look after number one: “I [the child] am the centre of the universe” and “I am always right”. This is closely followed by “You can’t tell me anything”. Is there anything more terrifying thing for a parent to hear than this? Our culture idolises children and this has not benefitted either children or the rest of society. Parents have been side-lined and, in many ways, have lost the ability to freely discipline their children.
It increasingly feels as though, on our little island, we have allowed discipline structures to be set outside the home. Many parents – especially those from working class and non-liberal backgrounds – feel that successive governments has robbed them of the right to discipline their children in ways they see fit. This is not right. Minor incidences of anti-social behaviour are today more likely to be addressed by the police and courts, rather than parents. The previous government took this responsibility away from parents and gave it to institutions. Yet an institution can never replace a human being; an institution cannot replace a parent.
The government cannot create quasi-parental institutions; this approach simply does not work. But the government can and should set the tone and direction of public discourse surrounding parenting and discipline. It must place legal buffers around the family unit that will protect children from the extremes of neglect and indulgence. And there is a role for relevant institutions too, not as quasi-parents but as a back-up, where needed. They must be given the legal framework to administer authority where needed; they must be allowed to be pro-parents and to work in partnership with parents. Schools should be able to legally request parents’ attendance at parents’ evenings. Young offenders should be required to pursue their education whilst in prison. And parents should be held responsible for any criminal behaviour committed by their children – involvement at every stage of the journey through the criminal justice system by parents should become mandatory. Each of these measures will reinforce adult authority in contexts where this has been systematically eroded. They will allow parents, where necessary, to work with institutions to enable the effective discipline of children.
The previous government created a context in which many, many people think it is someone else’s job to discipline their child. It is the job of the school or the police or the youth club. Parents cannot be allowed to abdicate responsibility for disciplining their children, nor should they be prevented from doing so. We need to stop making excuses for the bad behaviour of young people and start creating a context where discipline is once again both acceptable and essential. We must no longer allow moral relativity, lack of responsibility and lack of solid family structures to dictate the discipline agenda. This government needs to change the direction of this debate, moving towards conversations that emphasise discipline and parental responsibility.Only after parents and communities are allowed once again to discipline children, will we begin to see a real change – a change that is good for parents, for children, and for wider society.
